I don't know, maybe I'll just leave this blog for now.

Too many feelings, but not a single word can describe it. I'm off AD pills btw.... And it's doing me no good, I swear. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life. I fucking hate everything that has happened to me. If I hadn't promised you, I would've fucking killed myself by now.

Seriously, there are so many things I want you to know. But if you won't listen, there's no point at all. It's not like you even want to know.

Bye.

Everybody wants to be loved
every once in a while
we all need someone to hold on to
just like a helpless child
yeah
can you whisper in my ear
let me know it's alright
it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been waiting for
and like a lonley highway
i'm trying to get home
ooo loves been a long time coming
you can look for a lifetime
you can love for a day
you can think you got everything but
everything is nothing when you throw it away
yeah
then you look in my eyes
and i have it all
once again
it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been waiting for
just like a lonley highway
i'm trying to get home
ooo loves been a long time coming
didn't know i was lost
til you found me
uh huh
didn't know i was blind
but now i see
can you whisper in my ear
let me know it's alright
it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been searching for
oh been a long long highway and
now i see
ooo loves been a long time
ooo been a long time
loves been a long time coming

I'm sorry I'm useless. I'm sorry I can't give you everything you want and need. I'm sorry I'm not in the same school as you. I'm sorry I can't be there for you all the time like how your friends are. I'm sorry I'm never good enough. I'm sorry I kept hurting you for 3 consecutive years. I'm sorry you got tired of me because I wasn't interesting enough. I'm sorry I still wanted you in my life even after you pushed me away, hit me, and shouted at me. I'm sorry you meant the world to me, and still mean the world to me.

Most of all, I'm sorry I tried when I shouldn't have. I tried to be there for you all the time, even when your friends weren't, but in the end, you still chose them over me. Remember who pulled you close, wiped away your tears, and hugged you when you lost your friends? Remember how you even got your friends back? Remember all the shit about rafiqah and dinie you went through with her, all the promises, all the lonely nights, all the tears? Remember how all those experiences brought the two of you even closer together and how it made you two stronger after that? Remember how your friends came back to you after the dinie incident? Remember who took a slap for you and her, knowing it would be worth it just for the two of you? Remember who taught you things no one else would? Remember who told you that everything was going to be okay? Remember who still believed in you when no one else did?

And do you remember those 3 days you spent with her alone, just the both of you? Remember the 2 nights the both of you walked alone on the streets, holding hands, pulling each other to places you both wanted to go to? Remember the laughter you shared, taking ridiculous pictures on the beach at night, oblivious should anyone even see the two of you? Remember how scared she was to be pushed in the park? Remember coming home close to midnight, but still having the energy to spend time with each other? Remember striking ridiculous poses in front of the webcam? Remember playing the guitar for her while she sang? Remember the cover both of you made? Remember just laying down and talking to each other? Remember sleeping at 3a.m. in the morning, and not being able to wake up afterwards? Remember how the mornings started with a kiss when you were with her? Remember how you cried watching a movie on the last day, and she just smiled, hugged you and wiped away your tears? Remember how the both of you just couldn't return to your normal lives after those 3 days?

But where did all those moments go? How did it suddenly happen that one morning when you woke up, you wanted her out of your life? You think, maybe it's better if she would just leave...

Sweetie, if you don't ever see me ever again, I just want you to know that you're the most amazing guy I've ever met. No one can ever replace you, even if I wanted someone else to. All those memories we shared will forever be etched in me. I thank you for all the sacrifices you've made for me. I hope you take me back before I leave, but all there's left for me to do is to hope.

I love you sophian baby.
140408.

God, thanks for trying to keep me strong. I really am eternally greatful for that. But I don't think I can stand for much longer. The reason why I asked him out on a date is because I want to attempt for the very last time :'( There's not much left I can do, but I will try. I will come down to my knees, beg for forgiveness and plead for one last chance. But other than that, I'm hopeless
If he still won't take me back, I... yeah, I guess that's the end of me. I promised myself that it would be my last try. My survival depends on it. My life depends on it. Everything else depends on it. Sigh, I don't know if I should tell him. Maybe not, he'll be much happier without me. I'll just say it indirectly and... yeah, guess I'll be gone forever. Sigh.

I don't know what's going to happen. But gosh, I really hope it'll work out... I don't want to do this... But I have to. I'm dying, every single day.

He means the world to me. Everything that I do in life, is related to him. But he doesn't love me anymore... I keep trying. But I don't know for how long I can keep on trying. He doesn't want to take me back
I hope the date will make him realise my true feelings for him. I hope he will somehow feel how he used to feel for the past 3 years or so.

I swear with all my heart, I'm on the verge of suicide. God, I really really really really need strength. Since that day, I attempted suicide. Twice. But each time, I prayed and You stopped me. But I don't think this is going to end anytime soon. I'm really depressed and my whole body's failing on me.

I don't question your credibility, God. I really don't. But each time, I hope that you'll really listen to me. I'm dying. I'm purposely trying to kill myself. Unless it's already time for me to pass away, then, lead me on. Make me kill myself.

Please, I come down to my knees and beg You. I really don't want to be doing this. But I find myself attempting it quite a few times. My heart is dying, so is my mind, my soul, everything. I don't think I can go on.

Should anyone see this if anything happens to me, I love you. Every single one of you...

I'm bawling my eyes out, my heart is endlessly breaking I swear I don't even know what to say anymore, really.

I don't want to tell anyone because I'm not sure if it's true. But I think I'm suffering from depression. It's like, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't eat even during buka, I keep having headaches, my body aches for no reason, I'm withdrawing from everyone who was once so close to me. If this continues, I think I'll secretly go to the doctor. Honestly think there is something wrong with me.

I tear at even the slightest things. Even an "are you okay?", and I look away, secretly tearing and desperately in need of a hug. During classes and I suddenly tear and there's this lump in my throat like I'm about to cry. I really don't know what's wrong, but I know something is definitely not right.

Tonight, I'm going to pray. I can only seek solace from praying. Even if nothing gets better, praying restores hope in me, every single time without fail. I know behind all these, something's bound to be good. Insha Allah, everything will be okay. But for now, I don't know.

When someone who means the world to you is unwilling to forgive you and give you a third chance, what do you do? For someone whom I've never let go from loving for 3 consecutive years and is the closest to me, it's strange how much of a loss I'm in that I don't even know what else there is for me to do.

Frankly, maybe because I'm just afraid of rejection. Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'll be pushed away and hit again. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being shouted at again. I don't know, really.

Someone should just kill me for failing to give him what he wants. It's like, I try time and time again but things are just getting worse by the day. I guess it's the loss of affection. 3 years, how could a guy not ever get tired of me?

I seriously have a lot of things to tell him. But I just can't find the right words and I'm afraid he won't want to listen. But most of all, I'm afraid that he doesn't feel the same way :(

You know, it just hurts that we were okay, and then when I started to pray qiyam and I asked from God in every hajad prayer to please always keep my baby safe and happy, all of a sudden, things changed. You know how important it is to keep asking for that same one thing in every hajad prayer. And that was the only thing I asked for in EVERY SINGLE hajad prayer, that God keeps my baby safe and happy always. Then, he just left me. Without a single I love you. Nothing. Maybe he is happy without me. It hurts, really really really really hurts.

Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I love him and till death do us part...