Deep down under

2011-09-10T00:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know, maybe I'll just leave this blog for now.

Too many feelings, but not a single word can describe it. I'm off AD pills btw.... And it's doing me no good, I swear. I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life. I fucking hate everything that has happened to me. If I hadn't promised you, I would've fucking killed myself by now.

Seriously, there are so many things I want you to know. But if you won't listen, there's no point at all. It's not like you even want to know.

Bye.

2011-08-30T23:42:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants to be loved
every once in a while
we all need someone to hold on to
just like a helpless child
yeah
can you whisper in my ear
let me know it's alright
it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been waiting for
and like a lonley highway
i'm trying to get home
ooo loves been a long time coming
you can look for a lifetime
you can love for a day
you can think you got everything but
everything is nothing when you throw it away
yeah
then you look in my eyes
and i have it all
once again
it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been waiting for
just like a lonley highway
i'm trying to get home
ooo loves been a long time coming
didn't know i was lost
til you found me
uh huh
didn't know i was blind
but now i see
can you whisper in my ear
let me know it's alright
it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been searching for
oh been a long long highway and
now i see
ooo loves been a long time
ooo been a long time
loves been a long time coming

2011-08-30T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I'm useless. I'm sorry I can't give you everything you want and need. I'm sorry I'm not in the same school as you. I'm sorry I can't be there for you all the time like how your friends are. I'm sorry I'm never good enough. I'm sorry I kept hurting you for 3 consecutive years. I'm sorry you got tired of me because I wasn't interesting enough. I'm sorry I still wanted you in my life even after you pushed me away, hit me, and shouted at me. I'm sorry you meant the world to me, and still mean the world to me.

Most of all, I'm sorry I tried when I shouldn't have. I tried to be there for you all the time, even when your friends weren't, but in the end, you still chose them over me. Remember who pulled you close, wiped away your tears, and hugged you when you lost your friends? Remember how you even got your friends back? Remember all the shit about rafiqah and dinie you went through with her, all the promises, all the lonely nights, all the tears? Remember how all those experiences brought the two of you even closer together and how it made you two stronger after that? Remember how your friends came back to you after the dinie incident? Remember who took a slap for you and her, knowing it would be worth it just for the two of you? Remember who taught you things no one else would? Remember who told you that everything was going to be okay? Remember who still believed in you when no one else did?

And do you remember those 3 days you spent with her alone, just the both of you? Remember the 2 nights the both of you walked alone on the streets, holding hands, pulling each other to places you both wanted to go to? Remember the laughter you shared, taking ridiculous pictures on the beach at night, oblivious should anyone even see the two of you? Remember how scared she was to be pushed in the park? Remember coming home close to midnight, but still having the energy to spend time with each other? Remember striking ridiculous poses in front of the webcam? Remember playing the guitar for her while she sang? Remember the cover both of you made? Remember just laying down and talking to each other? Remember sleeping at 3a.m. in the morning, and not being able to wake up afterwards? Remember how the mornings started with a kiss when you were with her? Remember how you cried watching a movie on the last day, and she just smiled, hugged you and wiped away your tears? Remember how the both of you just couldn't return to your normal lives after those 3 days?

But where did all those moments go? How did it suddenly happen that one morning when you woke up, you wanted her out of your life? You think, maybe it's better if she would just leave...

Sweetie, if you don't ever see me ever again, I just want you to know that you're the most amazing guy I've ever met. No one can ever replace you, even if I wanted someone else to. All those memories we shared will forever be etched in me. I thank you for all the sacrifices you've made for me. I hope you take me back before I leave, but all there's left for me to do is to hope.

I love you sophian baby.
140408.

2011-08-28T00:02:00.000-07:00

God, thanks for trying to keep me strong. I really am eternally greatful for that. But I don't think I can stand for much longer. The reason why I asked him out on a date is because I want to attempt for the very last time :'( There's not much left I can do, but I will try. I will come down to my knees, beg for forgiveness and plead for one last chance. But other than that, I'm hopeless
If he still won't take me back, I... yeah, I guess that's the end of me. I promised myself that it would be my last try. My survival depends on it. My life depends on it. Everything else depends on it. Sigh, I don't know if I should tell him. Maybe not, he'll be much happier without me. I'll just say it indirectly and... yeah, guess I'll be gone forever. Sigh.

I don't know what's going to happen. But gosh, I really hope it'll work out... I don't want to do this... But I have to. I'm dying, every single day.

He means the world to me. Everything that I do in life, is related to him. But he doesn't love me anymore... I keep trying. But I don't know for how long I can keep on trying. He doesn't want to take me back
I hope the date will make him realise my true feelings for him. I hope he will somehow feel how he used to feel for the past 3 years or so.

2011-08-26T05:57:00.000-07:00

I swear with all my heart, I'm on the verge of suicide. God, I really really really really need strength. Since that day, I attempted suicide. Twice. But each time, I prayed and You stopped me. But I don't think this is going to end anytime soon. I'm really depressed and my whole body's failing on me.

I don't question your credibility, God. I really don't. But each time, I hope that you'll really listen to me. I'm dying. I'm purposely trying to kill myself. Unless it's already time for me to pass away, then, lead me on. Make me kill myself.

Please, I come down to my knees and beg You. I really don't want to be doing this. But I find myself attempting it quite a few times. My heart is dying, so is my mind, my soul, everything. I don't think I can go on.

Should anyone see this if anything happens to me, I love you. Every single one of you...

2011-08-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm bawling my eyes out, my heart is endlessly breaking I swear I don't even know what to say anymore, really.

I don't want to tell anyone because I'm not sure if it's true. But I think I'm suffering from depression. It's like, I can't sleep, I can't concentrate, I can't eat even during buka, I keep having headaches, my body aches for no reason, I'm withdrawing from everyone who was once so close to me. If this continues, I think I'll secretly go to the doctor. Honestly think there is something wrong with me.

I tear at even the slightest things. Even an "are you okay?", and I look away, secretly tearing and desperately in need of a hug. During classes and I suddenly tear and there's this lump in my throat like I'm about to cry. I really don't know what's wrong, but I know something is definitely not right.

Tonight, I'm going to pray. I can only seek solace from praying. Even if nothing gets better, praying restores hope in me, every single time without fail. I know behind all these, something's bound to be good. Insha Allah, everything will be okay. But for now, I don't know.

2011-08-23T08:17:00.001-07:00

When someone who means the world to you is unwilling to forgive you and give you a third chance, what do you do? For someone whom I've never let go from loving for 3 consecutive years and is the closest to me, it's strange how much of a loss I'm in that I don't even know what else there is for me to do.

Frankly, maybe because I'm just afraid of rejection. Maybe it's because I'm afraid I'll be pushed away and hit again. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of being shouted at again. I don't know, really.

Someone should just kill me for failing to give him what he wants. It's like, I try time and time again but things are just getting worse by the day. I guess it's the loss of affection. 3 years, how could a guy not ever get tired of me?

I seriously have a lot of things to tell him. But I just can't find the right words and I'm afraid he won't want to listen. But most of all, I'm afraid that he doesn't feel the same way :(

You know, it just hurts that we were okay, and then when I started to pray qiyam and I asked from God in every hajad prayer to please always keep my baby safe and happy, all of a sudden, things changed. You know how important it is to keep asking for that same one thing in every hajad prayer. And that was the only thing I asked for in EVERY SINGLE hajad prayer, that God keeps my baby safe and happy always. Then, he just left me. Without a single I love you. Nothing. Maybe he is happy without me. It hurts, really really really really hurts.

Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I love him and till death do us part...

2011-07-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

Alhamdulillah. Thank you God for giving me a chance to start afresh with him. Thank you for giving me strength to persevere through the hardship I faced. Thank you for always being by my side to answer my prayers and help me fight back my tears during all those times my heart told me all hope was diminished. Even though flashbacks will still occur, I'm sure time will heal pain. I'm just so glad and thankful I was given another chance to show someone that love really exists.

Definitely and honestly, it hurts. But the course of pushing all those dark feelings aside and make things better really made me a stronger girl. That's who I am today. I've changed. I've made a vow to give this relationship my everything and try my utmost best to give him all the love he needs. What happened really made me realize; never take what you have for granted. Because when what you had is gone, you only have yourself to blame for not keeping it yours. It hurts, but I know I shouldn't blame him. It wasn't his fault and it never was. Everyone needs love, I guess what I gave him just wast enough. So I'm changing myself to be that girl he sees everything in. I don't want to be that girl he wishes he would see everything in.

You don't always have to be loved to love right? You don't always have to be appreciated to appreciate right? Exactly.

To anyone who comes across this blog, remember, you never know when your time is up. When you have a partner, give him or her our absolute everything. Because one day, your time will be up, you'll have no warning about it, and it'll be too late to regret not giving him or her what you could have.

2011-06-14T21:53:00.001-07:00

2011-06-14T20:21:00.001-07:00

it was the wallet i bought for him. he looks so cute :>
that was my handsome sophian baby :')
2009. i still long for that hug

SODALOVE, forever and always.

My sophian baby is one of a kind. He's...
+ sweet
+ caring
+ loving
+ so handsome
+ extremely hot
+ very cute
+ funny
+ smart
+ too attractive
+ etc etc etc

Tomorrow will be the final time I try. I'm going to give it my all for it's my last shot to make sodalove return again. A few hours after I give it my last try, I'll be gone. Hopefully he'll be happy which whatever decision he would have made.

I miss his smile, his laughter, his hugs, his kisses. I just miss everything about my sophian baby. I hope he knows that no matter how he feels about me, no matter how much he hates me, I've forgiven him and I still love him as much as I always have. Maybe more, but definitely not less.

14 04 08, oh God, make that day happen again :')

2011-06-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

Rambling on tumblr won't work, rambling on twitter won't work, he'll see for sure. So, this is my last resort. I don't want him to know, God. I don't want him to know just how much this hurts me.

It's like, nothing I say makes a difference anymore. He's happy without me. He doesn't want me. To him, I'm just huda. But to me, he's still sophian baby. Forever and always, my sophian baby. I don't want him to know just how badly I want and need him, because I know I'll feel even worse knowing he doesn't want me.

God, please take the pain away. Please, just somehow, show him how much I love him. I tried. I tried so hard. Why is it that he won't give us another chance? Oh God, it's not that I don't forgive him. I'll always forgive him, I'll always wipe his tears away, I'll always hug him no matter whose fault the fight was because, and You know it. God, please, just pass this message to him for me, somehow. You're the only One who can do it. My powers are limited, and I'm your weak servant. I can't make him listen to me. Only You can open up his heart to make him realise. I just can't make the pain go away in one day. I need time, God, tell this to him. Tell him that I'm willing to endure everything, just to see me and him build a family and hold a beautiful baby in the future. Tell him I've forgiven him and her too, and that I just want to start it afresh, slowly and perfectly. God, I believe everything is possible. Even at the worst times, You can make it happen for me.

But even if everything fails, even if my prayers fail, even if my words fail, God, just know I'll never give up. I'll keep praying for a better today, and an even better tomorrow. I'll keep praying that You keep Sophian safe for me. I'll keep praying that You take away even the slightest pain he's feeling. I'll keep praying You keep him standing strong, even without me. And I'll keep praying You make Sophian mine again...

Just... please... :'(

2010-12-19T20:25:00.001-08:00

i don't know where my baby is. i don't know when he is coming back. i just pray to God that wherever he is right now, he's alright. he's safe. he told me he would be away for 5 days, but this is coming to the 6th day that he's been gone.

why i'm rambling here is because, i don't want anybody to pity me. i don't want my favourite friends to feel my pain. as much as i hope my baby is happy, i hope my friends are too.

it's clearly been more than 10 days since i spoke to him, maybe he doesn't even realise. but i do. i know for a fact that he's not missing me. of course he isn't, he's away in bali enjoying himself. i'm very happy for him. when he comes back from bali, i won't be expecting anything from him. i'm not even expecting anything right now. i just hope he'll like the shirt i bought him.

i don't have much to say now, considering the crazy state i'm in right now.
just so my baby knows, i really love him very much.

2010-12-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

For my one and only baby, wherever he is now :')

2010-12-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

i sent my baby a message. i did not get a reply. i don't even know if he received my text.

my heartbeat's dropping a little more every second. i had a nightmare of being called by God to leave forever. i don't know if it's true (well of course i don't), but i caught a glimpse of the after-life. such a scary one, honestly. i'm not even willing to describe it. moving on.

you know, i feel this pang of sadness everytime i enter facebook. i see happy couples. i see them writing on each other's walls, reminding each other how much they love one another. even when they're overseas, literally thousands of miles away, they're still not far apart. come to think of it, it really doesn't matter whether these couples last long. what matters is how much they love each other at that point of time.

i've never expected much from him, reason being i just don't want to be disappointed. although i wish i'd see more of what other guys are doing on facebook being done by him, i know he's showing me love in other ways. i know he expects a lot from me, i feel guilty and miserable everytime i let him down. but that's it. i'm trying not to let him down. i'm trying to give him everything he wants from me. every moment, i try to make him happy. but in what way can i possibly do so when i can't even reach him at all? when he won't even spare a second to chat with me?

i realise there isn't any motive behind writing all my crap. no one sees it anyway. no one at all, except for me.

2010-12-18T06:00:00.000-08:00

in fact, i really have so many things to say. too many that i don't even know where to start.

truth is, it hurts so bad. i don't even want to be where i am. i miss feeling calm and good in the villa. i miss going for a refreshing swim and shivering in the water. i miss waking up next to my cousins and going, "okay, i'll pray subuh in awhile", and dozing off again. i just miss everything. reason i don't want to be in singapore? just one. i feel so lonely.

selfish, i'm not, really. i hope he is having a hell of a time in bali. it doesn't matter if he's not thinking about me, really. it doesn't. all i want is just a chance to be able to speak. tell him how much i miss him. how much i need him. it really doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same way. i just want him to know how I PERSONALLY feel. problem is, i'm not even given a chance.

bad enough is the fact i've not been able to talk to him for the past 10days. the last call we had, i won't even call it a conversation. i was hoping for more, but well, there's so much i got. i did not get a call before i left for port dickson. as much as it hurt, i didn't want to demand a call if he wasn't willing to talk. in port dickson, i waited. waited literally 5 WHOLE HOURS, just hoping he would go online so i could say goodbye before he left for bali. but sad is the fact i never got to do so. till today.

that was when everything went wrong. while waiting, my cousins and i were on omegle and we met friends. we did that for 5hours, just waiting for him. and in the end when it turned out horrible, the blame was on me. ME. imagine how i could've avoided that if he was actually there, online to talk to me. and yet, i was blamed. i'm not blaming him for anything at all, even now. i try to understand. but really, sometimes, i just wish he would notice how i actually feel behind this facade. crazy act i've been putting on. i just wish he'll realise.

but nevertheless, i thank God every second i'm still alive, for having such a wonderful partner, no matter how much pain this brings me. i still appreciate that God has given me someone to love with all my heart. i smile to myself everytime i picture his bright smile, his nice eyes, his cool hair. i smile everytime i try to feel the warm hugs he gives me. i didn't think i would ever fall in love with my best friend, but i did. yes i did. and i pray everyday that he just won't leave.. :')

2010-04-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

I feel so.. idk.. upset(?) today.

Okay great, now my knee only hurts 20% of how it used to, but you know what? My stomach muscles are hurting. Stupid NAPFA intense training):

Oh, I feel kinda hurt. Inside. After reading everything. Kinda speechless. It still hurts so mcuh that it breaks me :/ But since I promised, I can't bring it up anymore, can I? Well well well.

Okay bye.

It kills me...):

2010-04-01T07:08:00.000-07:00

My knee's recovering well(:
It doesn't hurt so much now, apart from bending it, applying pressure on it, getting up after sitting down and squatting. Yeah, things like that, it's still painful. But other than that, it doesn't hurt if I don't touch it.

I have nothing much to say.
But my baby's gone to sleep. So yeah, I'm here, typing shit.
Okay I guess my baby's calling for me to sleep with him now (Heheh. Shyshyshy. No lah, ahahas. Hes asleep already how to talk?) But I'll go sleep with him now anyway. He's waiting :P

Bye.

2010-03-31T04:48:00.000-07:00

Even though my heart still hurts, I'm in a state of a shock, and I don't think I have the strength to carry on,
There's one thing I know for sure. I have to hold on.

Nothing prepared me for this. I was shocked, honestly. Didn't think he'd hurt me the way he did. Didn't think I'd ever be replaced. Didn't think he would allow some other girl to take away his pain when I'm not there.

I'm just wondering. Why?

Nothing that I ever did could come to that level of his. Maybe I was wrong, befriending Zul, Syazwan and Alif. Maybe. And without any solid reason, I just broke off what kept those 3 and I together.

But what surprised me was that, I wasn't the only one.. Maybe I could understand if he's friends with Rafiqah and Syakirah. I mean, of course I could. But calling them, 'babe'? I don't that happens when you're just friends and not more. 'Having a standard time and meeting place?' I really don't think so. As much as I've hurt him, I never did anything like that.

In the first place, I was never bestfriends with any of those boys. Just friends. But from what I saw with my very own eyes, in the fb chat he had with Syakirah, it was clear that she said they were best friends. Not me, I didn't say that. I didn't hear that from anyone. I saw that. And I don't ever take the later bus just to see those guys. Never. Ever. So why does he do that to me? Even if I 'hang out' with the guys, as he puts it, there is a reason. We meet up to talk about certain things, not just for fun. We don't hang out. We meet for a purpose. Not just to see each other, like it happens between him and her.

I try not to get involved in any of his matters. Because it has nothing to do with me. I just watch as it happens, hurt. I don't know if there's anything else I could do now. Whether he contacts them, still meets up with that girl, go out with her, I would never know.

When he said that Syakirah wasn't disturbing him anymore, I assumed they weren't contacting. But I've learnt. I should never assume. Ever.

But I believe that after every mistake, at least a chance should always be given. And that's why I'm just holding on and not bringing it up to him anymore, as much as it hurts.

I just pray that InshaAllah, he'll realise how much it hurts me...

2010-03-29T05:05:00.000-07:00

They tell me he loves me, but oh God, I really don't know )':
I'm confused.

Oh God, should I just give up and move on? Or should I keep trying because I love him too much to let him go? But whats the point if he doesnt feel the same way? I'm only breaking my own miserable heart.

Counsellor has been a great help when I needed someone to talk to. I could just knock on her door and have a chat with her, anytime. I know I'd always feel better after a chat with her, even though she scolds me for my wrongdoings at times. But she's not what I need. I know that deep inside, all I need, is my baby.

Oh, my leg and knee has been hurting badly, since last Tuesday. Yeah, I walked around simei, got lost, walked back to tampines, went back to simei, and walked back to tampines after going to baby's house. All because I love him so much. NAPFA's coming up in about 2weeks. And now, I can't even run properly. Sigh. I'm worrying that I'm not going to be able to run, but I never regret, because what I did was all for him.

You know what? I feel retarded, cause I'm talking to myself. Telling myself about my own problems, which I already know about. Gosh, how dumb. But ah well, what to do..?

2010-03-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

Hey. Guess I have to let everything out here, since I've got no one to talk to.

I miss baby. His love, his smile, everything about him. He feels so far away. I can't believe I had started tearing before I even got through the first sentence of this post. I wonder if baby's still alive. My heart and soul's empty. There has been no form of contact between us for about close to 3days. I can't get through his phone.

Sigh. I wish I hadn't let every opportunity to be with him slip by. So this is how I have to pay. Haven't seen him in weeks. Wonder where he is, what's he doing, how he has been. I know I've got my sexybabes there for me, but it just ain't the same. I know I've been putting on this brave front when I'm with them, I don't break down. But that's just because I don't want them to feel what I feel. I don't want them to suffer w me. I know that's what friends are for. But I won't let them be unhappy. That's just not what MY friends are for.

I wonder how I'm going to tell him that I can't meet up w him again this friday, again. Sigh. MTP session)': Oh gosh, I'm crying real hard. I wish there was just someone's arms I could bury my head into and cry till I can't anymore, if not his. I need him as badly as I'm crying now. I'm just praying, hoping, we'll make it through this hardship and that he'll love me the same even when we're miles and miles apart. Because even if no one else believes this, I do love him as much as I always did, or even more.

If he's somehow reading this,
I want him to know that no matter where he is, how he's feeling, what he's doing, I'm always thinking of him and I love him with all my heart.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I believe so, I hope he does too.
As I close my eyes tonight, I hope and pray tomorrow's going to be a better one...